Slina Soo: Apr 29, 2009

Confessions of an Anorexic-Bulimic

0 comments Published Wednesday, April 29, 2009 by slinasooobhe.

I am a recovering Anorexic and Bulimic and I want to talk to you about this disease. At this moment, you may be in the stormy throws of this hideous disorder. You may be starving yourself, over exercising, taking laxatives, binging and purging or any and all of the above. This is a disease Baseball Autograph By Mail feeds on low self-esteem, guilt, fear of abandonment, feeling Malibu Beach you don't belong, perfectionism and that you have no control. But, you CAN control our body. No one can force you to eat. Do these statements resonate with you?

At the Rsx Type S Body Kit of my battle with food, when I was about 14 years old, I would lay on my bed many nights praying for a way to escape my body, wrenching inside, wanting to escape life, wanting to eat but terrified to eat. I was starving but in some strange way, that was comforting for me. Feeling hungry meant that my stomach was empty and flat and that was what I wanted. The only thing that was important to me was that I was thin, that my belly button protruded, like the other skinny girls in the neighborhood that my ribs Seoul Life through my skin; and that for once in my life, I actually had a jaw line! But no matter how thin I became, when I looked in the mirror, all I could see was a fat body.

Food was my friend early, especially sweets, like Twinkies and coca-cola. I felt comfort when I was eating. I didn't feel lonely anymore. I felt pleasure when I ate food. Food filled the emptiness I felt.

My spiral downward began when I lost about 8 pounds using one of the popular dieting programs and I remember thinking, wow! I can really do this! I can lose weight! I had power and confidence for the first time in my life. I wasn't the stupid, little, fat girl anymore.

It Cautionary Like Love Make Porn Star Tale a daily morning ritual to step on the scale and I was painstakingly careful to be sure that the needle on the scale was exactly Pago Factura Telefonica zero before I stepped aboard. With every pound lost, I felt a sense of accomplishment, which became the driving force that kept me wanting to lose more and more.

My entire life revolved around staying thin. For me, it consumed every thought, every action. But this is not life I assure you, its death. I was literally a walking dead person.

If you are a practicing Anorexic or Bulimic, you are slowly killing yourself! You are weakening your Cortizone 10 muscle, depriving your cells of life-giving nutrients; you're starving your bodily organs, damaging your kidneys and wearing away the enamel on your teeth. This disease can also have a mighty hold on your brain. When it rears its ugly head, those familiar tapes begin to play that you're not good enough, not thin enough to fit into the crowd, and all that other garbage that wreaks havoc on your mind when you're in the throws of this disorder.

You are not alone. I've been right where you are. At the Hair Mousse when I was starving myself, I consumed no more than approximately 500 calories per day, sometimes less or nothing at all. I was terrified to eat. My typical breakfast was half of a blueberry muffin (the miniature kind) one piece of bacon and about 4 ounces of orange juice. I would maybe consume a half of a sandwich for lunch, but most times, I did not eat lunch and I didn't eat dinner either. Then, at night, I would sit down with a pound of peanut M-n-M's and consume it all. The next day, or even that night, I would exercise like crazy to be sure I didn't gain weight. This brought me to my lowest weight of 88 pounds and I wanted to keep losing. Literally, I was dying to be thin.

Then, I read an article in a teen magazine about girls who would binge and then throw up their food. This caused my transition from Anorexia to Bulimia. I had found a way to eat and not gain weight. I became so entrenched in the viscous cycle of Bulimia that I was vomiting my food at least 15 times a day. I truly thought I would die with my head in a toilet bowl. I became so sick with this illness that I began puking in trash bags inside the privacy of my bedroom and then drive to a trash dumpster late at night to dispose of the evidence. I would sneak out of my house at night and throw up in the garden bed between my house and the house next door, all so that no one would figure out what I was doing to myself. My paychecks from work went to food that I didn't even keep down. I went to different grocery stores every night so people wouldn't think I was strange for buying so much junk every night - ice cream, Oreos, candy bars, etc. All I cared about was escaping to my room so I could binge. The key word here is ESCAPE. I didn't want to deal with uncomfortable emotions or thoughts. The pleasure of binging on food numbed me out. I didn't have to feel anything or think when I was binging. Food was my focus.

Then at age 23, I was living with my best girlfriend who after living with me for a year knew what I was doing to myself stormed into my room one night and told me she wasn't going to ignore what I was doing anymore, that my skin was gray, that she was afraid I was going to die and then she threw a piece of paper on my nightstand and said "Here, call this number, you need help and I am taking you to your first meeting!" Then she walked out slamming my door behind her.

I called that number because I knew she was right. I had to stop hurting myself. My friend took me to my first 12-step meeting for people with eating disorders and I owe her a great deal of gratitude as a result. It was the beginning of my recovery.

I still binged and purged my food for several months after I began going to meetings, but I didn't give in to this disease. I fought it all the way and honestly, I still struggle, but I've decided that starving myself and binging and purging are just not options for me anymore. I decided to stop playing Russian roulette with my life. Getting to that decision was not easy. In fact, I had to continuously re-make that decision almost daily until it was more natural to eat and keep it down that it was to do the opposite.

The 12 step program taught me to see and live life rightly, to nurture myself not only physically with good food, but spiritually with meditation and prayer. The love and support I received from fellow sufferers at the meetings made me realize that I was a child of God, and that I was worth saving. I had come to the conclusion that I really wanted to live. Florida Licensed Contractor when I began to change. That's when I made the decision to stop binging and purging. I want you to get to that point in your head and heart too. I want you to decide that binging and purging your food is NOT and option anymore.

Know that you have something unique and beautiful to give to the world. What that is, I cannot tell you, but you are here for a reason. There are people who love you and are connected to Pentax 35mm Slr Camera They cannot live this life without you. No matter the causes that brought you to this dark place in your life, whether it be abuse from a parent, relative or Chevy Exhaust Trailblazer living with an alcoholic or drug addict, loss of a loved one or peer pressure, you CAN recover. There is help and hope. Please don't give up on yourself. As our old friend Robert Frost once said, "You have miles to go before you sleep."

For more information on how to get help for your eating disorder, visit http://www.raderprograms.com/googleindex.aspx?gclid=CKLfyKPMmpcCFQNbxwodfEbudg

Also, visit my blog at http://loveoflanguage.wordpress.com/ and share your thoughts, hopes and dreams on recovery.

Jill Mohler is a freelance writer, living in Boca Raton, FL

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